Buy The Bag & Get Over It.

Say Hello to my little friend!

Given name: Large Calf Zipper Pocket Sac.

But I like to call her: My New Dooney & Burke Bag, Bitches!

It was love at first sight. I spied the Spring version of this same bag first. Butter yellow. Yum! I saw it from across the Handbag Department in Macy's, and made an immediate bee line for it (I may or may not have knocked a small Asian woman out of my way. Whatever.......I totally said I was sorry!).

The yellow bag was gorgeous; the color scrumptious. The leather was a soft grain, yet substantial; the hardware heavy. Cell pocket & large zippered pocket in the main pouch- perfect for the Snarky Brunette who can never find her (goddamn) tiny phone! Upon seeing the two, front zippered pockets I determined one could hold my work keys (and stupid ID badge we are now required to wear!) and the other my iPod.

I loved it. And needed to try it on. IMMEDIATELY.

Said scrumptious bag was unlocked and handed over to me.

(I'm pretty sure I heard angels singing......)

I put the bag over my left shoulder- a perfect fit! The strap was snug, but not so snug it was uncomfortable under my arm. And I could tell from the width of the strap on my shoulder that it wasn't going to be one of those annoying bags where the strap constantly falls off your shoulder and you end up playing the Up/Down strap game all goddamn day!

I could feel the smile begin to spread across my face.....this bag and I were in sync. I loved it and it loved me!

I headed over to the nearest full length mirror for the final test: Stand in front of the mirror while wearing gorgeous bag and slowly turn side to side while admiring your (super, pretty) self! As I turn to face the mirror, my eyes go immediately to the bag's reflection: it's like lemon chiffon pie! So scrumptious I could eat it! As I turn to the side, I conclude that while the bag could be considered big, it's not so big.

(Ladies, I give you another tip from The Snarky Brunette: You want your accessories to compliment you; not overshadow you. Nothing says "You and your handbag are worthy of a Fashion Citation" than when you carry a handbag that is the size of Texas!)

So I'm swaying side to side, admiring all of the bag's splendor, when it occurs to me I need to focus on the entire picture and view myself with the bag. I am confident that a bag this gorgeous will only enhance my loveliness, and I brace myself for what my eyes are about to see.

Imagine my horror when I hear myself scream: Sweet Jesus, I look positively ill!

What was at first a seemingly scrumptious yellow bag, had suddenly become a yellow worthy of jaundice! And the skin tone of my face, in that close a proximity to the bag, was sure to make anyone believe I was now suffering from a brutal case of Hepatitis C!

I whipped around to the Sales Clerk and shrieked: Does this yellow make me look like I belong in the sick ward?..........Don't lie to me!

Sales Clerk (wide eyed and backing away from me): Ummmmmmm............not a great color for you.

Well this was unacceptable. No way I'm dropping what amounts to a car payment for a Ford Focus on a handbag that makes me look ill! So I take the bag off my shoulder and hand it back to the Sales Clerk. She gently takes the bag and locks it back in place (so that it can toy with another unsuspecting shopper's dreams!) and casually says to me: You know, I do have that bag in brown.....and it's on sale for 30% off. Would you like to see it?

WOULD I?

Fast forward to me standing in front of the full length mirror, swaying from side to side, admiring myself and the gorgeous brown bag on my shoulder, muttering: You're so pretty...... No! You are so pretty!

It's at this point that the Sales Clerk had to have known she had me on the line. And so to reel me in she says: So this bag is 30%, but because you are wearing red, I can give you an additional 20% off.

The spell my own reflection has cast upon me is immediately broken by the phrase "additional 20% off" and my neck snaps in her direction. "Wait..... an extra 20% because my shirt is red? Is that for the Go Red Campaign?"

(Go Red for Women is the American Heart Association's campaign for prevention & awareness of heart disease in women. Get on board, People. Knowledge is power!)

The Sales Clerk confirms that it is and begins crunching numbers on her calculator, while I whip out my cell to immediately consult the Handbag Guru. I send the following text to Kristin:

In Macy's. Looking at DB bag that is akin to your beloved green Coach, only stockier. On sale for 30% off. Will give me additional 20% because I'm wearing red......that's like, fate right?

Followed immediately by: The inside lining is a tiny PINK check, for gods sake! Buy it, right?

KB's first response: Abso fkn lutely! Buy it, immediately!

Followed by her second response: Ummm, YEAH!

And so I did.

Did I need to spend $130 dollars on purse?

No.

In the light of day, do I regret making that purchase?

OH. HELL. NO.

Why?

I could hand you a line of BS about how functional the bag is because it can carry all my personal effects (read: shit), but I'll spare you the farce and just bottom line it for you:

That bag makes me look so pretty!