Mixed Bag

It's been 20 days since my last post.

Where the hell have I been?

Last week, when I was not hating my job & yelling at attorneys, I was recovering from my week in Vegas with KB, Tk & Lo Lo.
(Read: still hungover & utterly sleepwalking.)

The week prior to that, I was IN Vegas engaging in all sorts of Girl's Getaway Shenanigans.
(Girl Friends + Vegas + Alcohol=Shenanigans!)

The week before that, I was running around trying to get ready for my trip to Vegas.....while hating my job, yelling at attorneys & playing baseball.

(Why is it that when you are leaving for vacation, you suddenly become obsessed with the state of your unders and thusly overwhelmed by the need to purchase all new undergarments? And the more match-y match-y, the better?!

Really? No one? It's just me?!)

So given that the last three weeks have been consumed with either being IN or planning FOR or recuperating AFTER Vegas, you'd think that is what I've logged on to talk about.......

Wrong.

Have you been following People.com? Sweet Lord, Baby Jesus! Let's get to it!

First up: LOST.
The series finale aired last night and people are all sorts of wound up over it! I'd like to take this opportunity to assert that I NEVER WATCHED THIS SHOW. And given the fact that in the end, everyone on the show WAS DEAD the entire time (or some shit like that), I'm so freakin' happy I was smart enough to not waste 6 years of my TV viewing life on this fkn show.

I have one word for all the "Losties" out there.........PSYCH!

2. Bret Michaels won Celebrity Apprentice.
This fkn guy was the long shot from day one (I blame his hair extensions....they are shameful!), but week after week, he just kept "a rockin' " (I also blame his vocabulary...... Uh, Bret? This ain't the 80's and you're a grown man.....hello?).

Then, he undergoes an emergency appendectomy.

Followed by a brain hemorrhage (Ouch.).

Only to make a miraculous recovery (while wearing his hair extensions and rockin' a bandana!).....and then suffer a stroke.

Did I mention the poor bastard has a hole in his heart?

This guy puts his ass on a plane, flies to New York, limps into the finale and kicks Holly Robinson- Peete's ass all over Manhattan. All for his charity, the American Diabetes Foundation.

Cuz not only does he have no appendix; is the current owner of a hole-y heart;had his brain explode; and can now identify the signs of stroke onset- Bret Michaels has suffered from Type 1 diabetes his whole life.

Well played, Mr. Michaels.......well played.

3. Simon Monjack is dead.
(People say: Who?)

Simon was the British born, onetime screenwriter, husband of the late actress Brittany Murphy
(Lynda, FFS.....stop crying. She died, like five months ago!). He was also overweight, had a penchant for prescription drugs and rumored to be romantically involved with his mother in law.

a. Eeeeeeewwwwww!
b. Really? No one else saw this guy's demise coming?
(RIP, Simon......I gots love for the Brits.......)

4. Jesse James "wanted" to get caught cheating, but didn't want to hurt his wife.
A few thoughts:
a. Mighta kept those gems to yourself, Jess.....
b. If those were your goals, you're score is 50/50. And you failed that test.
c. You are, however, awarded some bonus points for recognizing that, indeed, you are the most hated man in the world.

I'll end on this note: Duh!, Shocker!, & Nobody Fkn Cares, Kids!
a. Miley Cyrus has announced she's not going to college.
b. Kim Kardashian admits to Botox use.
c. Joe Jonas & Demi Lovato have split.

And to think there are critics out there that actually believe People.com doesn't showcase real journalism...........Pfffffffffffffffffffft!