Very Guy, Very Gay

Two weeks ago my husband decided it was time for us to get new cell phones.

Seriously..... it's a toss up as to what I'd like to do the least.

Go pick out new phones or step foot on a car lot.

Kill me. Now. Please!

Super short, "catch you up" back story: Mark & I have been using Go! phones for the last two years because we refused to pay AT&T money to let us out of our contracts. We also refused to buy any more of their POS phones, since they all break within a year....or 60 days if your name is Mark. Armed with the confirmation that both our contracts were up, Mark was on a mission to give AT&T the international bird and get us both a phone that wasn't the size of a candy bar.

Long story short & 2 hours later, we walked out of the Verizon store armed with a new plan & two new phones.
And Hell, Yes! It was totally satisfying to tell Ashley from AT&T that her "mission to provide excellent customer service" was about 13 fkn years too late! And no, there is NOTHING else you can do for me today.

I chose the LG Octane. LOVE IT. It's a flip phone with a full keyboard for texting. That's it. No data plan, no email, no bells and whistles. Simple. Cause for me, Smart Phones are STUPID.
I do have a camera and I've yet to figure out how to use it. It took me 24hrs to figure out how to ANSWER the goddamn phone.....the camera could take months!

Marky got himself a Droid. The biggie popcorn Droid. With the data plan. And the 8 mega pixel camera. The phone does everything but wipe his ass for him.
And I am confident that if the phone could, he would let it!

Since getting his Droid, Mark has not put it down. It's never out of his sight; attached to his hip when not in his hands. The first thing he did was download a Green Bay Packer wallpaper. The second thing he did was download Ozzy Osborne's "Crazy Train" as his ring tone. The third thing he did was figure out how to make his screen light up from sleep mode.
This may or may not have taken hours and included a phone call to our Verizon specialist, Josh.

This week he has done nothing but download free songs onto his Droid. He started off Very Guy: AC/DC, Cheap Trick, Ozzy, Great White, Tesla, Queen; alot of classic Rock; a few 80's Hair Bands. You get the gist. But we've now turned a corner.......and we've done nothing but play the following game for the last 24hrs. I call it: Hey Babe, Who Sings.....? It goes like this:

Mark: Hey Babe, who sings that song about the night?

Me: Gotta be a little more specific......

Mark: Oh...... let's see...... it's a duet.

Me: Yeah....little more would be helpful..................

Mark: Kelly Clarkson is the female voice and you said we saw her perform it on an awards show and I said she looked really chubby.

Me: Kelly Clarkson & Jason Aldean. "Don't You Wanna Stay."

Mark: Yeah! That's it. I love that song.

[Insert 5 minutes of Mark fkn around with his phone and me trying to read the news on the internet]

Mark: Hey Babe......who sings that song I think Michael Jackson sang first?

Me: Mark! Are you kidding me?

Mark: C'mon................. you know it. I know you know it...... Mariah Carey sang it. I think.

Me: Oh ffs...it was a Jackson Five song, not Michael's and it was "I'll Be There".

Mark: Yeah! That's it. I love that song. It had that guy....he was amazing.

Me: Trey Lorenz.

Mark: Yeah! That's the guy.

[Insert Mark downloading the song and then playing it for me.]

Mark: Hey Babe..... what other songs do I like? I can't think of them when I want to.......

Me [not looking at Mark and trying reallllly hard to ignore his ass]: Hey, I bet your super smart phone has some sort of neat word pad feature that would allow you TO WRITE DOWN YOUR SONGS WHEN YOU THINK OF THEM!

Mark: Do you think so?
[Insert him downloading and playing FOR ME, Purple Rain.]

Me: Really? Prince?

Mark: You love him.

Me: So. Don't love him.

Mark: He's a really talented artist.

Me: And he dresses like a wee sized Liberace.

Mark: Oh my God! I love this song!
[Insert him playing FOR ME, Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin]

Me: Anything but Prince.......

[Insert more of Mark fkn around on his phone, sampling music & playing it FOR ME: 3 ballads by Vince Gill; Beautiful by Christina Aguilera; In the Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan and She's Always a Woman by Billy Joel.]

Me: You might be gay.........

Mark: What? I'm not gay..... what are you talking about "gay"?

Me: Look at your phone and read me the last three songs you downloaded......

[Insert Mark reading his phone]

Mark: No.

Me: READ THEM......NOW!

Mark: Just Between You and Me, Piano Man and.......[insert Mark mumbling the last song.....]

Me [totally beginning to snicker....] I'm sorry, what was that last one?

More mumbling from Mark.......

Me: OWN IT. What's the last song you just downloaded?

Mark [shouting]: TINY DANCER! Ok....... Elton John's Tiny Dancer. You happy now?

Me [totally laughing out loud]: Hell yeah, I'm happy...... I just realized I'm married to my Gay Boyfriend!

Mark: You're not so funny......

Me: Really? What are you downloading right now?

Mark: Roberta Flack.......Killing Me Softly.

Yeah. I know the feeling.....................