Hel-LOW.

So, I've hit an all time low.......

And I ain't talkin' about apple bottomed jeans!

Today I lost it in court. If I wasn't so mortified by my (clearly) unprofessional behavior, I'd be congratulating myself on the sheer balls of it all!

I think I've told you I split my time between two judges, right? The first half of the week I am with the Judge that makes me wanna Bang Head Here. This is the job that I've had for just over a year (1 year anniversary came & went without any fanfare...... yeah me!) and would be the common denominator in my 20lb weight gain. And my ever increasingly hostile personality.

Winning!

The second half of the week I spend with the Judge I've been with for 12 years. We finish one another's sentences; we snicker behind closed doors; we gossip.....and sometimes we laugh so hard we have to sit down to recover! It's like an all girl sleep over on most days in our office. If Tk comes bustin' into the office and tries to give me the 411 about something on the down low, this Judge will YELL from his office: Hey! You know I can't hear you when you two whisper..... SPEAK UP!

Guess where I was today?

So....I can't really say what the issue is....confidentiality and all....but suffice to say: The Snarky Brunette snapped. After listening to a particular attorney be completely condescending & frankly, bitchy to a client; this attorney made the mistake of making a smart ass remark under her breath.

Cue me completely losing my mind. So much so that I'm pretty sure at some point near the end- I lost time. I clearly remember myself standing up and YELLING:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS? YOU ARE DRIVING ME NUTS TODAY!

Oops!


I then launched into a short tirade about our program being designed to help Clients; and I think I said something about jumping through hoops and I may gotten all sorts of Janet Jackson on her ass, head bobbin' about what have you done for this Client lately?

Shame.

I'm really not sure what was said next; this may be when I lost time....but insert my Judge saying to no one in particular: She does make a valid point; he deserves the credit for completing what he's done so far.

The next thing I know, people are leaving the courtroom and my Judge says calmly: It's been a really hard day for us....I think the both of us should leave after this last sentencing.

He totally gets points for trying.

FINALLY.


I excused myself immediately, walked directly to the back hall and proceeded to sob for 5 minutes straight.

Duh.... (more), Winning!

And then I sent an email apology to the attorney I'd yelled at.

And that's the worst of it: Me offering the apology. Was my behavior unprofessional? Absolutely. But did the attorney deserve to hear what I had to say? FK YEAH! And will it make a difference in the long run? Oh, helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll NO! So was it worth it? It never is. And I should totally know better!

S*I*G*H..........................

I gotta figure out how to do the work and not get worked up. And since I currently do not possess anything remotely akin to Wonder Woman's totally awesome, bullet proof , wrist cuffs [because seriously, how fkn sweet would it be to, in response to something completely asinine being said by an attorney, I just raise my cuffed wrist and the bullshit would just PING! right off me?! PRETTY FKN AWESOME is the answer......!]- I gotta come up with a new plan to deflect.

Clearly, Tk's mantra of "You are a Professional" is not working.

Also, nightly "Cocktail Decompression Hour" works in theory...... but in the long run, I'm just one step closer to actually being committed to a fat farm /detox clinic.

Truthfully, I've got nothing. I always try to come full circle when I post....... find a meaning; find an end. But I'm not sure I can do it on this one. Perhaps I just leave it at: When you hit your all time low, you've got nothing left but to pick yourself back UP.

(And go to work another day and take it up the ass again.)

(So. Totally. Winning!)