Baseball season is upon us.
Mark picked up our gear and player roster tonight. We are coaching AA ball again and this year we are......... wait for it........The Bowling Green Hot Rods!
People say, Who?
The Bowling Green Hot Rods- the Minor A team of the Tampa Bay Rays.
Vrooom! Vrooom!
But I digress.
Anyway, baseball is in our face and it's the little things in life that really fire us up. Two things, actually. First, we couldn't get over how nice and NEW our gear bag was. Last years was so old and tattered and the stupid zipper would only sometimes zip. This year our bag is multiple colors and NEW and sturdy with wall supports so that when you open it, it doesn't collapse into itself. Did I mention NEW? So what, are you wondering, could top a new gear bag?
NEW CATCHER'S GEAR, BABY!!!
2 sets of shin guards.
2 chest plates.
1 NEW mask and,
a SWEET! catcher's mitt.
Last year our catcher's gear was....... pitiful. The shin guards were too big for our kids, so to keep them up I had to cinch them so tight I was fearful I'd cut the blood supply off in my Catcher's legs. The chest plate's back straps were constantly getting tangled in all the fraying that was occurring on the straps themselves and we had no catcher's mitt. Pathetic would be another word to describe our shameful situation.
Upon seeing our new gear, insert two mildly overweight, 40- somethings completely losing their minds in the garage! There was jumping up and down; a high five so vigorous it may or may not have hurt my (delicate & feminine)hand; and someone exclaimed to the neighborhood: This is fkn AWESOME!
(Shame on all of you who immediately assumed it was me! You're right, of course, but seriously- shame on you for assuming the worst in me!)
Getting so worked up over the new gear left us with a mighty thirst, so we made ourselves a cocktail and commenced to looking over our player roster. We had three returning players from last year. Huh? I knew that 5 returning parents had requested Mark because they contacted me to confirm we were coaching again.
So I say to Mark: WTH is going on with this list? Where's Bill and Ted?
(Not their real names...minors. Protecting them....and cracking myself up in the process!)
Mark: WHAT? They're two of our best players!
Me: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Who are not on our roster.
Mark (with a know it all smirk on his face): Well.....the director did say she had FOURTEEN families request me......
Me: FOURRRRRRRRRR TEEEEEEEEEEN?
Mark (cracking himself up): Did I stutter? Four. Teen.
Me: OMG! That has to be some sort of record for coach requests! I'm so proud of you, Mark..... you really are the best coach out there.........I guess they really couldn't give us every kid that wanted to be on your team.
Mark: Yeah, that wouldn't be fair. Still.......two of our best kids....And Bill's been with us for two years.
Me: I can't get over the number.....FOURTEEN. It's so impressive.......and such an amazing reflection of you and your coaching style.
Mark: Yeah......about that........ they told me what the number reason the parents gave for requesting me was......
Me: What was it? Patience? Skill? Oh! You're ability to relate the fundamentals of the game to the kids on their level?
Mark: Uh.....no.......
Me: Tell me! What was the reason everyone kept asking for you?
Mark: They said it was because of our communication style with the parents.
Me: Wait, what?
Mark (sheepish): Yeah.....the parents who requested me told the director it was because they either knew of or had heard about how we communicate with parents; all the information we continue to pass along throughout the entire season.....well the word is out and we are the best. So they all asked for me.
Me (incredulously): YOU?
Mark (starting to snicker): ME. But I told the director I couldn't take the credit for that.....I told her that was all you. I told her you run the show when it comes to information.
Me: So it really isn't about you. It's about ME! They just don't know it's ME! ME! ME! ME!
Mark: Hey now...... there's no "I" in "Team", Sister.
Me: No.....but there's an "M" and an "E" and that spells ME!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Very Guy, Very Gay
Two weeks ago my husband decided it was time for us to get new cell phones.
Seriously..... it's a toss up as to what I'd like to do the least.
Go pick out new phones or step foot on a car lot.
Kill me. Now. Please!
Super short, "catch you up" back story: Mark & I have been using Go! phones for the last two years because we refused to pay AT&T money to let us out of our contracts. We also refused to buy any more of their POS phones, since they all break within a year....or 60 days if your name is Mark. Armed with the confirmation that both our contracts were up, Mark was on a mission to give AT&T the international bird and get us both a phone that wasn't the size of a candy bar.
Long story short & 2 hours later, we walked out of the Verizon store armed with a new plan & two new phones.
And Hell, Yes! It was totally satisfying to tell Ashley from AT&T that her "mission to provide excellent customer service" was about 13 fkn years too late! And no, there is NOTHING else you can do for me today.
I chose the LG Octane. LOVE IT. It's a flip phone with a full keyboard for texting. That's it. No data plan, no email, no bells and whistles. Simple. Cause for me, Smart Phones are STUPID.
I do have a camera and I've yet to figure out how to use it. It took me 24hrs to figure out how to ANSWER the goddamn phone.....the camera could take months!
Marky got himself a Droid. The biggie popcorn Droid. With the data plan. And the 8 mega pixel camera. The phone does everything but wipe his ass for him.
And I am confident that if the phone could, he would let it!
Since getting his Droid, Mark has not put it down. It's never out of his sight; attached to his hip when not in his hands. The first thing he did was download a Green Bay Packer wallpaper. The second thing he did was download Ozzy Osborne's "Crazy Train" as his ring tone. The third thing he did was figure out how to make his screen light up from sleep mode.
This may or may not have taken hours and included a phone call to our Verizon specialist, Josh.
This week he has done nothing but download free songs onto his Droid. He started off Very Guy: AC/DC, Cheap Trick, Ozzy, Great White, Tesla, Queen; alot of classic Rock; a few 80's Hair Bands. You get the gist. But we've now turned a corner.......and we've done nothing but play the following game for the last 24hrs. I call it: Hey Babe, Who Sings.....? It goes like this:
Mark: Hey Babe, who sings that song about the night?
Me: Gotta be a little more specific......
Mark: Oh...... let's see...... it's a duet.
Me: Yeah....little more would be helpful..................
Mark: Kelly Clarkson is the female voice and you said we saw her perform it on an awards show and I said she looked really chubby.
Me: Kelly Clarkson & Jason Aldean. "Don't You Wanna Stay."
Mark: Yeah! That's it. I love that song.
[Insert 5 minutes of Mark fkn around with his phone and me trying to read the news on the internet]
Mark: Hey Babe......who sings that song I think Michael Jackson sang first?
Me: Mark! Are you kidding me?
Mark: C'mon................. you know it. I know you know it...... Mariah Carey sang it. I think.
Me: Oh ffs...it was a Jackson Five song, not Michael's and it was "I'll Be There".
Mark: Yeah! That's it. I love that song. It had that guy....he was amazing.
Me: Trey Lorenz.
Mark: Yeah! That's the guy.
[Insert Mark downloading the song and then playing it for me.]
Mark: Hey Babe..... what other songs do I like? I can't think of them when I want to.......
Me [not looking at Mark and trying reallllly hard to ignore his ass]: Hey, I bet your super smart phone has some sort of neat word pad feature that would allow you TO WRITE DOWN YOUR SONGS WHEN YOU THINK OF THEM!
Mark: Do you think so?
[Insert him downloading and playing FOR ME, Purple Rain.]
Me: Really? Prince?
Mark: You love him.
Me: So. Don't love him.
Mark: He's a really talented artist.
Me: And he dresses like a wee sized Liberace.
Mark: Oh my God! I love this song!
[Insert him playing FOR ME, Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin]
Me: Anything but Prince.......
[Insert more of Mark fkn around on his phone, sampling music & playing it FOR ME: 3 ballads by Vince Gill; Beautiful by Christina Aguilera; In the Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan and She's Always a Woman by Billy Joel.]
Me: You might be gay.........
Mark: What? I'm not gay..... what are you talking about "gay"?
Me: Look at your phone and read me the last three songs you downloaded......
[Insert Mark reading his phone]
Mark: No.
Me: READ THEM......NOW!
Mark: Just Between You and Me, Piano Man and.......[insert Mark mumbling the last song.....]
Me [totally beginning to snicker....] I'm sorry, what was that last one?
More mumbling from Mark.......
Me: OWN IT. What's the last song you just downloaded?
Mark [shouting]: TINY DANCER! Ok....... Elton John's Tiny Dancer. You happy now?
Me [totally laughing out loud]: Hell yeah, I'm happy...... I just realized I'm married to my Gay Boyfriend!
Mark: You're not so funny......
Me: Really? What are you downloading right now?
Mark: Roberta Flack.......Killing Me Softly.
Yeah. I know the feeling.....................
Seriously..... it's a toss up as to what I'd like to do the least.
Go pick out new phones or step foot on a car lot.
Kill me. Now. Please!
Super short, "catch you up" back story: Mark & I have been using Go! phones for the last two years because we refused to pay AT&T money to let us out of our contracts. We also refused to buy any more of their POS phones, since they all break within a year....or 60 days if your name is Mark. Armed with the confirmation that both our contracts were up, Mark was on a mission to give AT&T the international bird and get us both a phone that wasn't the size of a candy bar.
Long story short & 2 hours later, we walked out of the Verizon store armed with a new plan & two new phones.
And Hell, Yes! It was totally satisfying to tell Ashley from AT&T that her "mission to provide excellent customer service" was about 13 fkn years too late! And no, there is NOTHING else you can do for me today.
I chose the LG Octane. LOVE IT. It's a flip phone with a full keyboard for texting. That's it. No data plan, no email, no bells and whistles. Simple. Cause for me, Smart Phones are STUPID.
I do have a camera and I've yet to figure out how to use it. It took me 24hrs to figure out how to ANSWER the goddamn phone.....the camera could take months!
Marky got himself a Droid. The biggie popcorn Droid. With the data plan. And the 8 mega pixel camera. The phone does everything but wipe his ass for him.
And I am confident that if the phone could, he would let it!
Since getting his Droid, Mark has not put it down. It's never out of his sight; attached to his hip when not in his hands. The first thing he did was download a Green Bay Packer wallpaper. The second thing he did was download Ozzy Osborne's "Crazy Train" as his ring tone. The third thing he did was figure out how to make his screen light up from sleep mode.
This may or may not have taken hours and included a phone call to our Verizon specialist, Josh.
This week he has done nothing but download free songs onto his Droid. He started off Very Guy: AC/DC, Cheap Trick, Ozzy, Great White, Tesla, Queen; alot of classic Rock; a few 80's Hair Bands. You get the gist. But we've now turned a corner.......and we've done nothing but play the following game for the last 24hrs. I call it: Hey Babe, Who Sings.....? It goes like this:
Mark: Hey Babe, who sings that song about the night?
Me: Gotta be a little more specific......
Mark: Oh...... let's see...... it's a duet.
Me: Yeah....little more would be helpful..................
Mark: Kelly Clarkson is the female voice and you said we saw her perform it on an awards show and I said she looked really chubby.
Me: Kelly Clarkson & Jason Aldean. "Don't You Wanna Stay."
Mark: Yeah! That's it. I love that song.
[Insert 5 minutes of Mark fkn around with his phone and me trying to read the news on the internet]
Mark: Hey Babe......who sings that song I think Michael Jackson sang first?
Me: Mark! Are you kidding me?
Mark: C'mon................. you know it. I know you know it...... Mariah Carey sang it. I think.
Me: Oh ffs...it was a Jackson Five song, not Michael's and it was "I'll Be There".
Mark: Yeah! That's it. I love that song. It had that guy....he was amazing.
Me: Trey Lorenz.
Mark: Yeah! That's the guy.
[Insert Mark downloading the song and then playing it for me.]
Mark: Hey Babe..... what other songs do I like? I can't think of them when I want to.......
Me [not looking at Mark and trying reallllly hard to ignore his ass]: Hey, I bet your super smart phone has some sort of neat word pad feature that would allow you TO WRITE DOWN YOUR SONGS WHEN YOU THINK OF THEM!
Mark: Do you think so?
[Insert him downloading and playing FOR ME, Purple Rain.]
Me: Really? Prince?
Mark: You love him.
Me: So. Don't love him.
Mark: He's a really talented artist.
Me: And he dresses like a wee sized Liberace.
Mark: Oh my God! I love this song!
[Insert him playing FOR ME, Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin]
Me: Anything but Prince.......
[Insert more of Mark fkn around on his phone, sampling music & playing it FOR ME: 3 ballads by Vince Gill; Beautiful by Christina Aguilera; In the Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan and She's Always a Woman by Billy Joel.]
Me: You might be gay.........
Mark: What? I'm not gay..... what are you talking about "gay"?
Me: Look at your phone and read me the last three songs you downloaded......
[Insert Mark reading his phone]
Mark: No.
Me: READ THEM......NOW!
Mark: Just Between You and Me, Piano Man and.......[insert Mark mumbling the last song.....]
Me [totally beginning to snicker....] I'm sorry, what was that last one?
More mumbling from Mark.......
Me: OWN IT. What's the last song you just downloaded?
Mark [shouting]: TINY DANCER! Ok....... Elton John's Tiny Dancer. You happy now?
Me [totally laughing out loud]: Hell yeah, I'm happy...... I just realized I'm married to my Gay Boyfriend!
Mark: You're not so funny......
Me: Really? What are you downloading right now?
Mark: Roberta Flack.......Killing Me Softly.
Yeah. I know the feeling.....................
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
***UP-date***
So the good news is:
The attorney excepted my apology.
And hugged me.
Which is a major violation of my Personal Space Bubble.
To which Tk will say: Pfffffffffffffffffft! You love to hug it out!
Yes, I do. On my terms. I say who...... I say when.
The bad news is:
As she was excepting my apology and hugging me, she said:
I know it had nothing to do with me.
Sooooooooooo many phrases could be used here:
Wait, what?!
Oh. No....you didn't.
Reeeee Heeeee Ealllllllly?
Ooooooooooooh, but I beg to differ.
Insert The Snarky Brunette biting her tongue. And saying nothing but I appreciate your graciousness.
That's right. I am a bitch. No doubt. But I am also A Professional!
Who needs to find herself some Wonder Woman cuffs, and pronto!
The attorney excepted my apology.
And hugged me.
Which is a major violation of my Personal Space Bubble.
To which Tk will say: Pfffffffffffffffffft! You love to hug it out!
Yes, I do. On my terms. I say who...... I say when.
The bad news is:
As she was excepting my apology and hugging me, she said:
I know it had nothing to do with me.
Sooooooooooo many phrases could be used here:
Wait, what?!
Oh. No....you didn't.
Reeeee Heeeee Ealllllllly?
Ooooooooooooh, but I beg to differ.
Insert The Snarky Brunette biting her tongue. And saying nothing but I appreciate your graciousness.
That's right. I am a bitch. No doubt. But I am also A Professional!
Who needs to find herself some Wonder Woman cuffs, and pronto!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Hel-LOW.
So, I've hit an all time low.......
And I ain't talkin' about apple bottomed jeans!
Today I lost it in court. If I wasn't so mortified by my (clearly) unprofessional behavior, I'd be congratulating myself on the sheer balls of it all!
I think I've told you I split my time between two judges, right? The first half of the week I am with the Judge that makes me wanna Bang Head Here. This is the job that I've had for just over a year (1 year anniversary came & went without any fanfare...... yeah me!) and would be the common denominator in my 20lb weight gain. And my ever increasingly hostile personality.
Winning!
The second half of the week I spend with the Judge I've been with for 12 years. We finish one another's sentences; we snicker behind closed doors; we gossip.....and sometimes we laugh so hard we have to sit down to recover! It's like an all girl sleep over on most days in our office. If Tk comes bustin' into the office and tries to give me the 411 about something on the down low, this Judge will YELL from his office: Hey! You know I can't hear you when you two whisper..... SPEAK UP!
Guess where I was today?
So....I can't really say what the issue is....confidentiality and all....but suffice to say: The Snarky Brunette snapped. After listening to a particular attorney be completely condescending & frankly, bitchy to a client; this attorney made the mistake of making a smart ass remark under her breath.
Cue me completely losing my mind. So much so that I'm pretty sure at some point near the end- I lost time. I clearly remember myself standing up and YELLING:
ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS? YOU ARE DRIVING ME NUTS TODAY!
Oops!
I then launched into a short tirade about our program being designed to help Clients; and I think I said something about jumping through hoops and I may gotten all sorts of Janet Jackson on her ass, head bobbin' about what have you done for this Client lately?
Shame.
I'm really not sure what was said next; this may be when I lost time....but insert my Judge saying to no one in particular: She does make a valid point; he deserves the credit for completing what he's done so far.
The next thing I know, people are leaving the courtroom and my Judge says calmly: It's been a really hard day for us....I think the both of us should leave after this last sentencing.
He totally gets points for trying.
FINALLY.
I excused myself immediately, walked directly to the back hall and proceeded to sob for 5 minutes straight.
Duh.... (more), Winning!
And then I sent an email apology to the attorney I'd yelled at.
And that's the worst of it: Me offering the apology. Was my behavior unprofessional? Absolutely. But did the attorney deserve to hear what I had to say? FK YEAH! And will it make a difference in the long run? Oh, helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll NO! So was it worth it? It never is. And I should totally know better!
S*I*G*H..........................
I gotta figure out how to do the work and not get worked up. And since I currently do not possess anything remotely akin to Wonder Woman's totally awesome, bullet proof , wrist cuffs [because seriously, how fkn sweet would it be to, in response to something completely asinine being said by an attorney, I just raise my cuffed wrist and the bullshit would just PING! right off me?! PRETTY FKN AWESOME is the answer......!]- I gotta come up with a new plan to deflect.
Clearly, Tk's mantra of "You are a Professional" is not working.
Also, nightly "Cocktail Decompression Hour" works in theory...... but in the long run, I'm just one step closer to actually being committed to a fat farm /detox clinic.
Truthfully, I've got nothing. I always try to come full circle when I post....... find a meaning; find an end. But I'm not sure I can do it on this one. Perhaps I just leave it at: When you hit your all time low, you've got nothing left but to pick yourself back UP.
(And go to work another day and take it up the ass again.)
(So. Totally. Winning!)
And I ain't talkin' about apple bottomed jeans!
Today I lost it in court. If I wasn't so mortified by my (clearly) unprofessional behavior, I'd be congratulating myself on the sheer balls of it all!
I think I've told you I split my time between two judges, right? The first half of the week I am with the Judge that makes me wanna Bang Head Here. This is the job that I've had for just over a year (1 year anniversary came & went without any fanfare...... yeah me!) and would be the common denominator in my 20lb weight gain. And my ever increasingly hostile personality.
Winning!
The second half of the week I spend with the Judge I've been with for 12 years. We finish one another's sentences; we snicker behind closed doors; we gossip.....and sometimes we laugh so hard we have to sit down to recover! It's like an all girl sleep over on most days in our office. If Tk comes bustin' into the office and tries to give me the 411 about something on the down low, this Judge will YELL from his office: Hey! You know I can't hear you when you two whisper..... SPEAK UP!
Guess where I was today?
So....I can't really say what the issue is....confidentiality and all....but suffice to say: The Snarky Brunette snapped. After listening to a particular attorney be completely condescending & frankly, bitchy to a client; this attorney made the mistake of making a smart ass remark under her breath.
Cue me completely losing my mind. So much so that I'm pretty sure at some point near the end- I lost time. I clearly remember myself standing up and YELLING:
ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS? YOU ARE DRIVING ME NUTS TODAY!
Oops!
I then launched into a short tirade about our program being designed to help Clients; and I think I said something about jumping through hoops and I may gotten all sorts of Janet Jackson on her ass, head bobbin' about what have you done for this Client lately?
Shame.
I'm really not sure what was said next; this may be when I lost time....but insert my Judge saying to no one in particular: She does make a valid point; he deserves the credit for completing what he's done so far.
The next thing I know, people are leaving the courtroom and my Judge says calmly: It's been a really hard day for us....I think the both of us should leave after this last sentencing.
He totally gets points for trying.
FINALLY.
I excused myself immediately, walked directly to the back hall and proceeded to sob for 5 minutes straight.
Duh.... (more), Winning!
And then I sent an email apology to the attorney I'd yelled at.
And that's the worst of it: Me offering the apology. Was my behavior unprofessional? Absolutely. But did the attorney deserve to hear what I had to say? FK YEAH! And will it make a difference in the long run? Oh, helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll NO! So was it worth it? It never is. And I should totally know better!
S*I*G*H..........................
I gotta figure out how to do the work and not get worked up. And since I currently do not possess anything remotely akin to Wonder Woman's totally awesome, bullet proof , wrist cuffs [because seriously, how fkn sweet would it be to, in response to something completely asinine being said by an attorney, I just raise my cuffed wrist and the bullshit would just PING! right off me?! PRETTY FKN AWESOME is the answer......!]- I gotta come up with a new plan to deflect.
Clearly, Tk's mantra of "You are a Professional" is not working.
Also, nightly "Cocktail Decompression Hour" works in theory...... but in the long run, I'm just one step closer to actually being committed to a fat farm /detox clinic.
Truthfully, I've got nothing. I always try to come full circle when I post....... find a meaning; find an end. But I'm not sure I can do it on this one. Perhaps I just leave it at: When you hit your all time low, you've got nothing left but to pick yourself back UP.
(And go to work another day and take it up the ass again.)
(So. Totally. Winning!)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Be Aware.....be very aware!
The following post is brought to you in part by Lo Lo.
And our unwavering belief in the notion that if we could figure out a way to market ourselves, we'd be America's next reality tv sensations!
[The scene:I am sitting in the courtroom today, overwhelmed by work and by the shame of just inhaling a 32oz soda like it was an 8oz glass of water. I'd just come from Lo Lo's office, which is directly outside the courtroom I'm working from. She had just shared with me that Weight Watcher's had not gone well and instead of staying for the meeting, she'd retreated to her office where she hoovered her diet soda, her appropriately portioned lunch and followed it all up with several mini sized candies and some crackers she found in her desk drawer! As I opened my wee size package of M&M's, I clicked open our chat network (we have our own in-house IM program) and fired off the following to Leah:]
Just so you don't feel left out, I am currently picking off my M&M's that I swiped from Tk's candy dish in record time and I've just inhaled 32 ounces of diet soda. I'm considering walking my fat ass back to the diner and buying another.......Shame!
Leah: Did you know this week is National School Breakfast week AND National Sleep Awareness week? Tomorrow I think I'll go and have breakfast with my daughter at school and then go home and take a nap.
Sister, please...... PLEASE...when you send in your Leave Request, put those reasons in the comment line and then blind copy me!
Leah: OH!!! and April is Alcohol Awareness month!!! oh dude.......have you seen the previews (speaking of drinking) for the dude who goes around to bars getting trashed on speciality drinks? We could have done that- people would watch our drunk asses- cuz we funny!
Side note: I totally refrain from pointing out the obvious, which it appears Lo Lo has forgotten, which is: We've done this. And people watched. And I have a vague recollection of them laughing..... at us!
As I'm pondering this, another chat from Leah comes in:
So in April we should have a different drink everyday so we are aware of all the choices!
I love it! We should begin compiling our list now. You realize, of course, that we are completely misinterpreting the purpose of this "awareness", right? I feel confident that the founders of this public service awareness did not intend for us to become aware of alcohol in the manner we both know we are going to pursue!
Leah: Also, May is National Mental Health Awareness month AND Physical Fitness month.....
Wanna bet we become so aware of alcohol in April, we gonna need to check in with Mental Health Services? And perhaps join a gym as well?!
Leah: hey..... April is also National Donate a Life month...........what exactly should I do with this one?
First I think we should get a clarification: is it our life we gotta donate or can we donate the lives of others? Cuz I got a list.........
Leah: OMG! I found it....I found the show for us!!
Better than my idea of combining the Biggest Loser with Rehab? What's better than you & I going off to a combination fat farm and detox center? America would eat our shenanigans & shameful debauchery UP!
Leah: Ooooooooooooh! That was a good idea....but you know we'd get kicked off first.
And together. We'd show up hung over, all sorts of tripping off the bus and they'd be all: Hey! You two...... don't bother unpacking! DOH!
Leah: This show is called "Three Sheets with Zane Lamphry"....
As in "three sheets to the wind"? I'm in!
Leah: He "travels the world to engage in foreign drinking customs and befriend the people who partake them". He gets PAID to travel and drink! We could totally do that......we are so good at drinking! I bet people would watch us.....we are pretty funny......
We are fkn hilarious, Leah........
............And I'm pretty sure the general public laughing at us, proves it!
And our unwavering belief in the notion that if we could figure out a way to market ourselves, we'd be America's next reality tv sensations!
[The scene:I am sitting in the courtroom today, overwhelmed by work and by the shame of just inhaling a 32oz soda like it was an 8oz glass of water. I'd just come from Lo Lo's office, which is directly outside the courtroom I'm working from. She had just shared with me that Weight Watcher's had not gone well and instead of staying for the meeting, she'd retreated to her office where she hoovered her diet soda, her appropriately portioned lunch and followed it all up with several mini sized candies and some crackers she found in her desk drawer! As I opened my wee size package of M&M's, I clicked open our chat network (we have our own in-house IM program) and fired off the following to Leah:]
Just so you don't feel left out, I am currently picking off my M&M's that I swiped from Tk's candy dish in record time and I've just inhaled 32 ounces of diet soda. I'm considering walking my fat ass back to the diner and buying another.......Shame!
Leah: Did you know this week is National School Breakfast week AND National Sleep Awareness week? Tomorrow I think I'll go and have breakfast with my daughter at school and then go home and take a nap.
Sister, please...... PLEASE...when you send in your Leave Request, put those reasons in the comment line and then blind copy me!
Leah: OH!!! and April is Alcohol Awareness month!!! oh dude.......have you seen the previews (speaking of drinking) for the dude who goes around to bars getting trashed on speciality drinks? We could have done that- people would watch our drunk asses- cuz we funny!
Side note: I totally refrain from pointing out the obvious, which it appears Lo Lo has forgotten, which is: We've done this. And people watched. And I have a vague recollection of them laughing..... at us!
As I'm pondering this, another chat from Leah comes in:
So in April we should have a different drink everyday so we are aware of all the choices!
I love it! We should begin compiling our list now. You realize, of course, that we are completely misinterpreting the purpose of this "awareness", right? I feel confident that the founders of this public service awareness did not intend for us to become aware of alcohol in the manner we both know we are going to pursue!
Leah: Also, May is National Mental Health Awareness month AND Physical Fitness month.....
Wanna bet we become so aware of alcohol in April, we gonna need to check in with Mental Health Services? And perhaps join a gym as well?!
Leah: hey..... April is also National Donate a Life month...........what exactly should I do with this one?
First I think we should get a clarification: is it our life we gotta donate or can we donate the lives of others? Cuz I got a list.........
Leah: OMG! I found it....I found the show for us!!
Better than my idea of combining the Biggest Loser with Rehab? What's better than you & I going off to a combination fat farm and detox center? America would eat our shenanigans & shameful debauchery UP!
Leah: Ooooooooooooh! That was a good idea....but you know we'd get kicked off first.
And together. We'd show up hung over, all sorts of tripping off the bus and they'd be all: Hey! You two...... don't bother unpacking! DOH!
Leah: This show is called "Three Sheets with Zane Lamphry"....
As in "three sheets to the wind"? I'm in!
Leah: He "travels the world to engage in foreign drinking customs and befriend the people who partake them". He gets PAID to travel and drink! We could totally do that......we are so good at drinking! I bet people would watch us.....we are pretty funny......
We are fkn hilarious, Leah........
............And I'm pretty sure the general public laughing at us, proves it!
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