Served

Bored with my usual cocktails, I took to the Bible last night to find a new refreshment.

The Bartender's Bible.

Please.....my hypocrisy has limits.......

The Bartender's Bible was a gift from my father on my 21st birthday. It's inscribed with a love note from my Daddy & has his favorite recipe written by his own hand on the inside cover. "The Perfect Margarita".

Hell no, I'm not sharing. Hello?

I am a bartender's daughter. My father held many jobs throughout my formative years, but the one he always kept coming back to was bartending. I have vivid memories of being smuggled behind the bar so he could finalize the shift schedule or meet with distributors or divide the tips from the night before. He bartended for the biggest bar in the town I grew up in. His clientele ran the spectrum from Judges to criminals. And according to my Daddy, sometimes they sat right next one another at the bar!

My father has some amazing stories from his time behind the bar. My favorite being when he caught the Phantom Pisser. This story requires a blog of its own..... but I bet you get the gist.

My father had a few Cardinal Rules when it came to "pouring". The first being, that you actually POUR the fkn drink. His distaste for "automated bartending" (meaning everything is measured through a gun) has been passed on to me. This is not bartending. It's pressing a fkn button and is so not impressive. His second rule was "deliver the cocktail in a timely manner". This rule is directly related to the movie "Cocktail". My Daddy could mix and pour three separate cocktails while blindfolded and send all three drinks down the length of the bar without spilling a drop. So please, dispense with the tossing of bottles behind your back and throwing shakers to one another. Only stupid people find this remotely entertaining. The majority of patrons in the bar JUST WANT THEIR GODDAMN DRINK. NOW! The third rule, and probably the most crucial, and could therefore be argued as the number 1 rule, is:

DO NOT TAP THE BAR TO SIGNAL THE BARTENDER.

Why?

1. YOU are not more important than the bartender himself.
2. While I'm serving you, I am not your servant.
3. Because if you do, your ass just became last.

I love the fact that I was raised by a bartender. It has served me well in a crowded bar when surrounded by idiots and bimbos. Case in point: when I celebrated my 4oth in Vegas with my girls, LoLo and I were the last two standing on one of our first nights in town. She and I were standing in line at the bar of Studio 54 in the MGM. We were given free drink passes (cuz we're so pretty!) and LoLo was determined to get every ounce of Vodka coming to her! It was my turn to pay, so I'm waiting in line and behind a Yuppified Douche Bag who is ordering 4 cocktails. Talking about substitute this and do you know how to that....and the bartender is getting all sorts of irritated with this idiot. He keeps looking at me like he needs a mercy killing. I've had a couple and my patience is thin; and I've got LoLo off my shoulder all sorts of wound up over HOW FKN LONG DOES IT TAKE TO ORDER A DRINK? Douche Bag finishes his order and steps off to the side. I sidle up with a smirk plastered alllllllllllllllllllllll over my face. He says: Whaddaya want, Doll? I deadpan: I'd like for that fkn guy to get his ass kicked. The bartender smiles wide. I say: Vodka tonic. Two. And my man behind the bar proceeds to pour me DOUBLES.

That's what I'm talking about!

And, he poured my doubles BEFORE he poured Douche Bag's.

Respect the bartender, People.

And reap the rewards.

You're welcome.

So.

Bored with my cocktail stand-bys, I consulted my Bible last night and was rewarded.

Behold! The Brazen Hussy:

Equal parts vodka & triple sec. 1/2 oz lemon juice. Shake and pour over ice.

A few thoughts from the Snarky Brunette:

1. I don't much care for sweet drinks, so I've modified:
2 oz Vodka
1 1/4 oz Triple Sec
1/2 oz lemon juice. Shake that cocktail til your shaker has a nice ice crust. Serve over ice. YUMMIFIED.

2. The name itself sold me. I'd have tried it even if it wasn't vodka!

3. I've got a full house tomorrow; celebrating my sister's birthday. My house is still a disaster. I should totally be cleaning it like a good Type A, Slightly OCD brunette would..........

Instead, I'm off to pour my third Brazen Hussy and fire orders at my children from my favorite chair.

Shameful.