Huh.
What the hell have I been doing with my time?!
Tick tock.......tick tock.......tick tock........... I have no answer.
I can tell you my head is filled with snark and according to both Kristin and Lynda, I should really share it all with you. Especially my thoughts on the Golden Globes.......which I've shared with them. And they loved. AND TOTALLY AGREED WITH!
So here we go.......Random Snark. From The Brunette.
THE NEW SEASON OF AMERICAN IDOL IS HERE!
Insert me throwing up in my mouth. You remember how much I hate this show, right? I'm pretty sure I dedicated back to back blogs about it. And I'm also pretty sure I've proved myself right in that this show is so tired and repetitive, there are no idols born from American Idol........ Exit, stage right: Lee DeWyze.
So the bad news is: AI is beginning a new season and my family will want to talk to me about it.
The good news is: I'm skilled at fakin' illnesses and taking to bed and you should all reap the benefits of that in the form of more posts.
(Unless I decide to just watch movies on Netflix.)
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Did anyone notice my Plus One is back? Happy New Year to me! Dana, I can tell you that last year ended and this year began on a much improved note (which is a double edged sword because I'm a much better writer when I have things to bitch about!); my back is doing better and yes. I have thought of writing a book.
Fine. Kristin has thought of me writing a book.
Keep checkin' in with me, Dana. I love knowing you're "out there".
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After 15 years, I finally ran into my ex-boyfriend. TODAY. He lives in the city I work in so how in the hell we managed to avoid one another is beyond me. Tommy was the first boy I ever truly loved. I gave him my young, naive heart and he continually broke it into a million pieces and jerked me around for the 4 years we dated; with numerous break ups in between. I saw him twice shortly after we broke up, and then he seemed to have vanished. Until today. When I literally walked right into him.
And he promptly ignored me.
Wait......what?
I looked at Tk like: WTF? And she's all, Seriously....WTF? Who is that? And I mouth: Tommy..... and Tk squeaks: DOH! Fast forward through 15 minutes of Tom ignoring me but fully watching me until I simply decide this is bullshit and I'm sayin: HELLO! Insert the Snarky Brunette stalking his ass to the soda fountain and literally planting myself in his path so he has to face me.
Insert him side stepping me to the right.
To which I follow immediately and block his path. Again.
Insert him side stepping me to the left.
To which I follow immediately, firmly plant myself directly in front of his face and with my hands on my hips say: Really? Are you really going to continue to pretend YOU DON'T KNOW ME?
Insert Tommy leaning over to scrutinize my face........and then saying in his booming voice: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! And scooping me up into a hug.
He swears he didn't recognize me; I told him he's still full of shit.
We talked for about 10 min, and when I say we, I mean him. He had me laughing hysterically within minutes, which was always his strong suit. And I marveled at how he looked exactly the same....... just older. And packing around a few extra pounds.
Like me!
When I returned to my office I immediately called my Mother to tell her I'd just run into Tom. Given that it's been 15+ years and she still asks about him, I assumed she'd be excited to hear the news.
Um....wrong. Jewish Mother who is always up in my biz-ness totally blew me off.
So I immediately texted Gina and she immediately responded: Holy shit! Weird? Good?
I told her it was good; he tried to not know me and I was having none of that; he looked the same & has been dating a girl "for about 7 years....she looks alot like you"......AWKWARD!
Gina: Ur the one that got away.....
Me: He showed me a picture....definite similarities. I'm prettier tho.
Gina: Of course.
Me:Glor totally blew me off when I clld her.....what the hell?
Gina:I know how you love feedback....ur welcome.
Me: Hello? It's all about me!
Gina:Yeah.....I'm aware of this.
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I was approached by a case worker from the Department of Human Services today. She had appeared in court with me yesterday on a case where she was specifically asked to attend so that she could give her position on whether a Defendant should have contact with his family or not.
DHS: Wasn't that a slow process yesterday?
Me: Was it? I don't even notice anymore......
DHS: I'm not sure why I was asked to appear....?
Me: The Judge wanted to know if you thought contact was appropriate or not.
DHS: It is. I mean, I told him from our perspective, it is. He should see his kids.
Me: Right. I totally understood you.
DHS: But the Judge did the exact opposite.
Me: Yeah......welcome to my world.
DHS: Jesus...... how do you deal with that?
Me: I drink. Alot.
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The Golden Globes were last Sunday! Did ya'll watch? It's my favorite awards show of the season. And it's the only awards show where I will tolerate hair worn down and long; and short cocktail dresses. It's the informal awards show..........like a massive cocktail party.......with trophies!
WTF is wrong with the following people & why have they not FIRED their stylists?!
Natalie Portman: Hair-check! Make up-check! Gown-absolutely gorgeous......save for the stupid, sparkle-y RED ROSE in the middle of her teets! It looked like Mom's iron on transfer, circa 1979. So WRONG.
Christina Aguilera: someone forgot to tell her that her movie Burlesque is over and she need not dress like a drag queen any longer! SHAME. And while this Pot should not be hurling disparaging words at any other Kettle......., Miss Christina~ note to self, Honey. Pale pink gowns with black lace overlays do nothing to hide the 50lbs you've gained recently. Two words: basic black. S'all I'm sayin...........
Helena Bonham Carter: She wins the award for TRAIN WRECK! She wore the same shoe......in TWO different colors; looked like she herself fell down Alice's rabbit hole and the entire package of Hair/Make-up/Dress was HORRID.
Anne Hathaway: She is simple beauty at its finest. Gorgeous hair; stunning make up. She was picture perfect........so who the hell dressed her in Grandma's long sleeved, sequined gown? Anne looked ready to hit the Love Boat's evening buffet & get her picture taken with Captain Stubing. On the flip side: I loved that Angelina Jolie was wearing a Granny dress. I hated her long hair off to the side and every time I caught her glossing her lips when she thought she wasn't on camera, I'd snicker and say: Busted! My Inner Bitch is so pleased when I don't have to admit Angie is gorgeous.
The Award for You Cannot Dress a Red Head In That Color! goes to both Christina Hendricks & Julianne Moore. Ladies, you are old enough to know better. Reds cannot wear red. Or pink. Shame.
Honorable Mention would have gone to Scarlett Johansson were it not for her Bride of Frankenstein up do. Her gown was stunning; her face was flawless. Her hair: frightening! And I'm pretty sure I saw a nest of birds up there as well. Given that debacle, the title goes to Amy Adams. Loved her hair- and I'm an up do girl.....so this is really saying something. Her face was luminous. Her gown was amazing with her hair color.
But the following Ladies simply out did themselves, and that's why they are the Best Dressed.
3rd place: Sofia Vergara: VaVaVa Voom! Hips. Boobs. Bam!
2nd place: Eva Longoria. Stunning. And I don't even like her! Classic black. Sleek up do. She screamed Class. I absolutely loved her.
But not enough for her to take the top spot.......and to a blonde. Again! I give you: Julia Stiles.
Don't you just love her? Isn't she positively bewitching? Her porcelain face framed perfectly by her 40's inspired, pin curled hair. Her dress revealing enough skin but not so much that it ruins the imagination. She's old school. She's smokey and rich and creamy and yummy.And I'm pretty sure she's wearing a smirk.
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