Shark Attack

My Sister & Jack came to visit me last Friday. It had been a long while since we'd gathered for a visit. It's camping season, don't you know? And their family takes camping very seriously. (Whereas I......do not. Unless of course by "camping" you mean hotel and/or resort.)

Jack came in bearing gifts as they had missed the Monster's Annual Birthday Party & Family BBQ in July. I was too busy paying attention to Jack, who was attempting to carry two gift bags which equaled the size of him, so I completely missed the fact that my Sister was carrying a large rectangular box. I have only 2 Monsters, so I played coy: "Who is that adorable box for?", I ask whilst pointing to the box wrapped in red paper with white polka dots (Polka dots! I love polka dots!)

"It's for you, Sisso! Haaaaaaappy Birthdaaaaaaay!", Gina whines in her best Fran Drescher.

"I love presents!", I yell as I'm thinking to myself: my birthday is in June; I began celebrating in May; it's now August.....I've managed to stretch my birthday out 4 months.....I'm a genius! As I begin to rip into my gift Gina says: "Now wait........ you're either going to love this present or think I've completely lost my mind....... but I was wracking my brain about what to get you...... and I wanted it to be useful and I was wandering about in Tuesday Morning- you know how much I love that store! Anyway....... this just said your name....."

Now, I should tell you that my Sister and I do not share the same taste. She dresses like she just stepped from the pages of Eddie Bauer (Fall & Winter editions) and J. Crew (Summer catalog). I don't believe her foot has ever been in a high heel (she wore sparkle-y flip flops under her wedding gown....) & Chapstick is the new lipstick in Gina's world. I am Talbots to her Eddie Bauer. If I could garden in heels, I would. And in my world, the right shade of lipstick makes said world a better place (Seriously, orange-red lipstick should be outlawed!).

With this being said, and apart from the shameful hat-scarf combo incident (See.....it's a hat and a scarf.....and it has dingle balls attached to the bottom of it! People say, What?), Gina picks out the best gifts for me. Ready to be dazzled, I rip into the box and I'm greeted with these words emblazoned on the side of said box: SHARK.

No. Way.

I look over at Gina who has pressed her thin lips into a straight line and is now sitting on the edge of my couch. "DID YOU BUY ME A VACUUM?", I yell. "Cordless", she squeaks.

"I. LOVE. IT!", I scream.

Insert Gina launching herself off the couch and jumping around whilst saying: "Oh My Gaaaaaaaawd....I was hoping you'd love it.......cause you're always talking about the dog hair blowing through your house like tumble weeds and with your back, it's gotta be a drag lugging that canister vac around....and three floors! Jesus! So when I saw this I just thought you could really use something for every day (to which I look at her like, Fkn right I vacuum every day!)......or you know.........every other day.......AND IT'S PINK!"

Oh yeah it is! Behold: what every 40 year old Diva needs!

I just took my pink Shark out for her first spin and I'm in love!

-Cordless, which means me & my Shark can go anywhere.

-Bagless, which means after we spin through Benelli's main

territory all I have to do is empty the dust cup.

-Hands-free button allows me to dump disgusting dust cup
contents directly into the trash. Best. Feature. EVER!

-And folding handle not only allows for easy storage, but

my Shark can bend so that it goes directly under furniture
and it turns at 90* angles to get between chairs (and other objects I'm too lazy to move).

My Shark is a little slice of domestic heaven.

And the fact that it scares the shit out of my dog?
Bonus!