Christmas, change, insight, mochas!

Here I am!

Miss me?

Did you know there are only 3 days to Christmas?

Are you ready?

I am!

Unless you factor in the fact that my house is a disaster and you can't see the kitchen table on account of the oodles of wrapping paper, ribbons and bows piled all over it.

And under it.

And just in the general area of it.

Here's how my December has played out:

The first weekend is always spent getting the tree & decorating the tree. This year, I was allowed to come with Mark & the Monsters; but I was not allowed any direct involvement in actually picking out the tree. It went something like this:
Mark: So I've scoped it out and I'm down to this one right here, that one to your right....no.... your other right. And that one way down on the left.

Me: What about this one? I like this one!
[I am literally holding onto the tree I like.]

Mark: So I think this one.......
[And he is literally walking AWAY from me and heading to the tree that was on my other right.]

When it was all said and done and the tree [that was on my other right] was loaded in the back of our truck, I said to Mark: Explain to me why I'm here? I played absolutely no role in this venture. And he looks at me like I'm speaking Chinese and says while shaking his head: We're spending quality time together, Sister.........duh!

It took 20 minutes to get the tree in the stand and in the house and 3 fkn days to decorate it.

It took an additional 4 days to remove all of the boxes out of my living room; and another 7 days for me to actually finish decorating the room.

I may or may not have (1) spent an entire Sunday crying over the fact that Costco fk'd up my Christmas cards [they re-printed them for free but lost my calendar order; insert more crying!] or (2) have become so frustrated [read:emotional] over stringing the lights on the tree that I actually RIPPED them from said tree with one mighty yank!

We succeeded in our annual marathon Christmas shopping Saturday which always takes place the second weekend in December. But it took until this evening to complete the task of wrapping all the gifts.

Are you seeing my pattern here?
[One step up, and two steps back....]

Sigh.....

The upside to this year's holiday is I'm definately less "hate-y" about it.

But before you get all, "Ooooh...progress!"; let me say this:
There is no progress. I still hate stupid people and I still think Christmas as a holiday is completely overrated. I still hate egg nog and I am still a staunch supporter of banning Christmas music in the work place.

My lack of "hate-y" simply stems from the fact that I have spent a large portion of this month in tears.

I miss my Dad.

He too was very "hate-y" about this holiday and we spent a lot of time commiserating about it. He hated the "business of buying presents" and the need "to over do", which are my biggest issues. But he loved the food and spending time with his "babies". It was his job to peel all of the potatoes on Christmas Day; and he always rinsed and stacked my dishes into neat little piles after dinner; and he would stand in the middle of my kitchen and make proclaimations such as "How great it is to be here, on this fine day!"

I find myself wanting this holiday to be over with because I'm pretty sure I'm scared to death to face it without my Dad.

Whoa........insightful.

I don't like change and I've had a lot of it this year. I took a new job, with a new judge, in a new county. I lost my Judge [retired; hence the new job]. I lost my Dad. I lost my friends. Not seeing Tk & LoLo every day has been....well. Shitty.

And while I like my new job, and I like my new Judge; I have no anchor.....I'm still feeling my way. I am adrift. I was the Queen Bee in Linn. I am now just tiny krill.

For the record, I don't "do" tiny krill. Once I get my bearings, I see Shark in my future.
[Although, if I keep up this emotional eating it will be more like Killer Whale!]

So, where am I going with all of this?
Fk if I know!

I'm pretty sure this blog is more for me than anyone else.

But. The tree is up. The gifts are wrapped and all that's left is the cleaning. Then family invades and the food is devoured and all that's left is the cleaning! Perhaps new traditions will be born from this Christmas? That's certainly something to look forward to. All I know is I've got 3 more days.

And with my new job: a Starbuck's on every corner in a 3 block radius. How many Peppermint Mochas does a girl need?

Depends on the crying, but I've been averaging 2-3 a week.