On the eve of my fortieth birthday, I feel.......... nostalgic.
Aside from baking & frosting 44 cupcakes tonight, what have I accomplished? On the Road To Find Out, what have I learned? What does The Snarky Brunette know?
I know that when I was 18, I was bullet proof. I knew everything there was to know about whatever, and I had absolutely no filter. My world was black or white, and there was no in between.
At 40, I have learned that life's experiences can literally take the wind out of your sails and leave you free falling. I have learned that there is more of a blurring of the lines between black & white. And I am acutely aware that unlike the Me of 18; this Me knows nothing.
At 18, I could name all 50 states and their capitols.
At 40, I can nail the West; name 1/2 of the Eastern seaboard and really? Who gives a shit about everything in between?
At 18, I worked 3 jobs; was never late to any of them and survived on Coke Classic & pizza. I also weighed 120 lbs.
At 40, I work 2 jobs; I'm consistently running late to both of them and if I survived on Coke Classic & pizza I would weigh TWO HUNDRED 20 lbs!
At 18: I questioned nothing when it came to my own decisions; confident that I was, indeed, right.
At 40: I question all of my decisions.
Sigh....... on paper it appears that I've regressed. But this nostalgic exercise in reflection makes me realize that perhaps on my road to find out, I'm just coming full circle. My 20's were full of hopes and dreams and new beginnings realized with college graduation, marriage and my first child. My 30's kicked my ass: the loss of our baby and the grief that followed left me hollow and empty. Two years later Hannie came along and the hole in my heart didn't feel a mile wide. Two more years later, and Samuel arrived. And my entire existence became my love for them. You can lose yourself in your children; in your marriage; in your work. I did. I would look in the mirror and think: Who is that girl? Who are you? I had no answer.........until around three years ago, at age 37. I began to get glimpses of the Me before life knocked me around a bit. My Sister was a driving force in reuniting me with myself. Her "Since when do you care what other's think?" and "You used to be funny" speeches were finally sinking in.
So here I am...... on the brink of 40 and I think I'm getting ready to lap the Me of 18. I've always held her in high regard; and for years I thought she was the best version of me. But now..... I don't think that's the case. She's cute enough; and she's certainly thinner. She had smarts; but she had no common sense. And while she possessed a boat load of self esteem, she lacked the intellect to know how to handle herself with grace.
As I look into the mirror and see the Me of 40, I have high hopes. I hope that this decade brings me closer to peace within myself. My look is unique; I hope that I can finally embrace it and quit comparing myself to others. I hope that I can finally accept that I really can't control everything and that perhaps if I lightened up just a skoosh, I really could be cool as a cucumber. I hope that at 40, I have not missed my chance; whatever that may be. And I hope that if it comes along and the timing is right, that I'll recognize it and jump.
Because at 40, I'm smart enough. I'm good enough. And gosh darn it, who gives a shit if people like me?!
post script: For Gina. I love you for loving me........and Stuart Smalley!
