No Diving Allowed

Oh. My. Gaaaaaaaaaawd! Really?

TWO nights of American Idol....?

Misery. Put me out of it!
***********************************

In unrelated news, have you seen the video of the woman who is walking and texting.......

and falling ass over tea kettle straight into the mall fountain?

Now THAT'S entertainment!
(Lynda knows...... there is nothing better than a good trip & fall!)

I've watched it three times and it still cracks me up each time! I've yet to hear where this occurred but it really doesn't matter. What matters is this idiot has lawyered up and she's now considering suing because mall security posted the video (of her takin' a header into a fountain......snicker, snicker! Ha ha ha, hee hee hee!). Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, people in the mall who witnessed it laughed at her.

Boo fkn hoo, Lady! You better be counting your lucky stars Lynda & I weren't there to witness it. Because not only would we have pissed ourselves over watching you swan dive into 3 ft of water; we most likely woulda Ro Sham Bo'ed to see who was gonna go over and ask you to do it again so we could capture it on our cell phone! Yard yourself out the fountain; wring out yer big girl panties & STFU. And if you're gonna hire a lawyer, find one who works with licensing. See about trademarking or copy writing your video and then have the last laugh.

Texting & walking is for stupid people. You learned the hard way.
(And Lynda & I thank you for it!)

Random Snark

Can you believe it's been almost a month since my last post.....?


Huh.

What the hell have I been doing with my time?!

Tick tock.......tick tock.......tick tock........... I have no answer.

I can tell you my head is filled with snark and according to both Kristin and Lynda, I should really share it all with you. Especially my thoughts on the Golden Globes.......which I've shared with them. And they loved. AND TOTALLY AGREED WITH!

So here we go.......Random Snark. From The Brunette.

THE NEW SEASON OF AMERICAN IDOL IS HERE!

Insert me throwing up in my mouth. You remember how much I hate this show, right? I'm pretty sure I dedicated back to back blogs about it. And I'm also pretty sure I've proved myself right in that this show is so tired and repetitive, there are no idols born from American Idol........ Exit, stage right: Lee DeWyze.

So the bad news is: AI is beginning a new season and my family will want to talk to me about it.
The good news is: I'm skilled at fakin' illnesses and taking to bed and you should all reap the benefits of that in the form of more posts.
(Unless I decide to just watch movies on Netflix.)
********************************************

Did anyone notice my Plus One is back? Happy New Year to me! Dana, I can tell you that last year ended and this year began on a much improved note (which is a double edged sword because I'm a much better writer when I have things to bitch about!); my back is doing better and yes. I have thought of writing a book.

Fine. Kristin has thought of me writing a book.
Keep checkin' in with me, Dana. I love knowing you're "out there".
***********************************************************

After 15 years, I finally ran into my ex-boyfriend. TODAY. He lives in the city I work in so how in the hell we managed to avoid one another is beyond me. Tommy was the first boy I ever truly loved. I gave him my young, naive heart and he continually broke it into a million pieces and jerked me around for the 4 years we dated; with numerous break ups in between. I saw him twice shortly after we broke up, and then he seemed to have vanished. Until today. When I literally walked right into him.

And he promptly ignored me.

Wait......what?

I looked at Tk like: WTF? And she's all, Seriously....WTF? Who is that? And I mouth: Tommy..... and Tk squeaks: DOH! Fast forward through 15 minutes of Tom ignoring me but fully watching me until I simply decide this is bullshit and I'm sayin: HELLO! Insert the Snarky Brunette stalking his ass to the soda fountain and literally planting myself in his path so he has to face me.

Insert him side stepping me to the right.

To which I follow immediately and block his path. Again.

Insert him side stepping me to the left.

To which I follow immediately, firmly plant myself directly in front of his face and with my hands on my hips say: Really? Are you really going to continue to pretend YOU DON'T KNOW ME?

Insert Tommy leaning over to scrutinize my face........and then saying in his booming voice: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! And scooping me up into a hug.

He swears he didn't recognize me; I told him he's still full of shit.
We talked for about 10 min, and when I say we, I mean him. He had me laughing hysterically within minutes, which was always his strong suit. And I marveled at how he looked exactly the same....... just older. And packing around a few extra pounds.

Like me!

When I returned to my office I immediately called my Mother to tell her I'd just run into Tom. Given that it's been 15+ years and she still asks about him, I assumed she'd be excited to hear the news.

Um....wrong. Jewish Mother who is always up in my biz-ness totally blew me off.

So I immediately texted Gina and she immediately responded: Holy shit! Weird? Good?
I told her it was good; he tried to not know me and I was having none of that; he looked the same & has been dating a girl "for about 7 years....she looks alot like you"......AWKWARD!
Gina: Ur the one that got away.....
Me: He showed me a picture....definite similarities. I'm prettier tho.
Gina: Of course.
Me:Glor totally blew me off when I clld her.....what the hell?
Gina:I know how you love feedback....ur welcome.
Me: Hello? It's all about me!
Gina:Yeah.....I'm aware of this.
****************************

I was approached by a case worker from the Department of Human Services today. She had appeared in court with me yesterday on a case where she was specifically asked to attend so that she could give her position on whether a Defendant should have contact with his family or not.

DHS: Wasn't that a slow process yesterday?
Me: Was it? I don't even notice anymore......
DHS: I'm not sure why I was asked to appear....?
Me: The Judge wanted to know if you thought contact was appropriate or not.
DHS: It is. I mean, I told him from our perspective, it is. He should see his kids.
Me: Right. I totally understood you.
DHS: But the Judge did the exact opposite.
Me: Yeah......welcome to my world.
DHS: Jesus...... how do you deal with that?
Me: I drink. Alot.
**********************************

The Golden Globes were last Sunday! Did ya'll watch? It's my favorite awards show of the season. And it's the only awards show where I will tolerate hair worn down and long; and short cocktail dresses. It's the informal awards show..........like a massive cocktail party.......with trophies!

WTF is wrong with the following people & why have they not FIRED their stylists?!


Natalie Portman: Hair-check! Make up-check! Gown-absolutely gorgeous......save for the stupid, sparkle-y RED ROSE in the middle of her teets! It looked like Mom's iron on transfer, circa 1979. So WRONG.


Christina Aguilera: someone forgot to tell her that her movie Burlesque is over and she need not dress like a drag queen any longer! SHAME. And while this Pot should not be hurling disparaging words at any other Kettle......., Miss Christina~ note to self, Honey. Pale pink gowns with black lace overlays do nothing to hide the 50lbs you've gained recently. Two words: basic black. S'all I'm sayin...........

Helena Bonham Carter: She wins the award for TRAIN WRECK! She wore the same shoe......in TWO different colors; looked like she herself fell down Alice's rabbit hole and the entire package of Hair/Make-up/Dress was HORRID.


Anne Hathaway: She is simple beauty at its finest. Gorgeous hair; stunning make up. She was picture perfect........so who the hell dressed her in Grandma's long sleeved, sequined gown? Anne looked ready to hit the Love Boat's evening buffet & get her picture taken with Captain Stubing. On the flip side: I loved that Angelina Jolie was wearing a Granny dress. I hated her long hair off to the side and every time I caught her glossing her lips when she thought she wasn't on camera, I'd snicker and say: Busted! My Inner Bitch is so pleased when I don't have to admit Angie is gorgeous.

The Award for You Cannot Dress a Red Head In That Color! goes to both Christina Hendricks & Julianne Moore. Ladies, you are old enough to know better. Reds cannot wear red. Or pink. Shame.

Honorable Mention would have gone to Scarlett Johansson were it not for her Bride of Frankenstein up do. Her gown was stunning; her face was flawless. Her hair: frightening! And I'm pretty sure I saw a nest of birds up there as well. Given that debacle, the title goes to Amy Adams. Loved her hair- and I'm an up do girl.....so this is really saying something. Her face was luminous. Her gown was amazing with her hair color.

But the following Ladies simply out did themselves, and that's why they are the Best Dressed.

3rd place: Sofia Vergara: VaVaVa Voom! Hips. Boobs. Bam!

2nd place: Eva Longoria. Stunning. And I don't even like her! Classic black. Sleek up do. She screamed Class. I absolutely loved her.

But not enough for her to take the top spot.......and to a blonde. Again! I give you: Julia Stiles.


Don't you just love her? Isn't she positively bewitching? Her porcelain face framed perfectly by her 40's inspired, pin curled hair. Her dress revealing enough skin but not so much that it ruins the imagination. She's old school. She's smokey and rich and creamy and yummy.


And I'm pretty sure she's wearing a smirk.

Kindred Spirits

I had cocktails with My Girls tonight. A pre-holiday mixer, if you will. I'd missed the last two and Tk was determined she was going to have a martini with myself & Lo Lo, and she wasn't takin' No for an answer!
(She's so bossy sometimes.....!)

Lo had the day off so she was at the bar early to get us "our table" in the back. Tk arrived about a minute before me, and I found her staring at a gift bag shakin' her head. There was only seat left at the table for three (see why it's our table?) and that seat had a gift bag on it as well.

What the hell is this shit?, I say as I eighty-six the bag to the floor with my purse, and haul my fat ass up and into the bar stool type seat.

That's what I'm sayin'!, quips Tk, still shakin her head.

I got you guys a little something....that's all. It's Christmas!, squeaks Lo with a big smile on her face.

Well, I didn't know "we" were doing this...... says Trace, clearly disgusted that she didn't think of it first cuz she's the Social Coordinator and this be her domain!

I didn't know "we" were doing this either.........I say all dejected....... So it's a good thing I came prepared!, I yell as I whip out two lip gloss tubes from my purse.

Tk is now really displeased and shoots me her: I'M SO NOT PLEASED WITH YOU! look.

I turn over the lip gloss so I can read their labels and say........ "Pink Lady" for my pink lady, Sister!, and hand Leah her gloss. She squeals and instantly applies the gloss to her lips. Is it sparkle-y?, she asks. FROSTY and sparkle-y, Babe!, I say. And she smiles so wide her eyes crinkle.

I turn to Trace, hand over her gloss and say, "Life Preserver"......for my life preserver. Really?, she asks. Really, Trace. I chose the gloss for the names. It's a fkn bonus that the colors happen to match the both of you! Tk shines her lips with her new gloss; turns to Leah so they both can admire one anothers mouths and then she turns back to me and says in her "you are still in trouble tone": You and me....we're picking up the tab.

Yeah..... your look established that a few paces back!

90 minutes with My Girls....bitchin' about work; hypothesizing over the latest gossip (so juicy!); lamenting Christmas gifts (when is enough?), and just enjoying each other's company.

Classic Moments. I can always count on these two having at least one during any period of time we are together.

Leah's came at the beginning of cocktail hour, after Tk & I had ordered our martinis. The waiter apparently thought he was excused and tried to walk away when Lo Lo piped up and said she'd like to order a few appetizers. We all agree that's a good idea and Lo says she'd like the Spinach Artichoke Dip. Tk & I concur that's a great choice and Trace looks to me for another option, and I wave her off because we tend to gravitate towards the same thing so she says, And an order of the Pom Freets.

I'm guessing I gave her a quizzical look, cuz in my head I was thinking "Pomme Frites"......"pretty sure the tes is silent.... more like free" to which Trace says aloud, Pom Free?; to which the waiter says, "Pom Free? Yes...." ; to which Lo Lo snaps: THE FRENCH FRIES! We'll take the french fries!

To which the waiter says: Exactly......, and scoots along. We all bust out laughing as Leah snarks, For fks sake...... I go hungry while you two try to figure out how to pronounce it!

Tk wrapped our evening with her moment. She & I are splitting the tab and I ask her how much she's tipping cuz I ain't gonna be the cheap one at the table, and she tosses out her number which was the number I was thinking was fair, so I nod I agree and go back to signing my credit card slip. I can't recall how the topic of our waiter came up; perhaps I said I thought he was a good server....but whatever was said prompted Tk to gripe in a voice that was dripping with both sarcasm and entitlement: Yeah...about that. We come here for the upscale atmosphere and high priced cocktails which can all be justified when we are SERVED by a 23 year old hottie! Which, I might add, was sorely lacking at this table. Present company excluded, I feel totally gyped by our experience and I'm pretty sure I'm speaking to a manager about it. I want to be SERVED by a boy I can imagine tying me to a chair and making me do and say bad, bad things......not by a someone who looks likely to be studying podiatry!

Insert all of us erupting into a fit of laughter, Tk so hard she's got a few tears in her eyes.....because as she & I prove to the world on a daily basis: we are our best audience!

And here's where I make my point:
It's such a small gesture, making time for your friends; but the rewards are monumental. I always walk away from time with my girlfriends feeling invigorated. Like being near their energy somehow re- inflates my spirit. I feel like this after a stolen Sunday with Lyndie; or an hour with Kristin during our IM dates. Our personalities are unique and yet there are enough similarities that we just gel. This inner circle of mine.....these girls whom I let in; who know the real me.....and still love me. They are a gift.

Merry Christmas to ME!

(Orange and) Black & Blue

Today was PAINFUL.

And I'm not just talking about my back!

My family left me at 7:30 a.m. to head to Beaver Nation, leaving me standing in the big window of my living room, crying as I waved goodbye. I was born and raised in Beaver Nation. I bleed orange and black. And to miss this game with my family was hard.

Oh who am I kidding? I hate going to football games! I spent my entire high school career warming up under the bleachers during the first half of games;performing at half time on the field and cheering for our team the second half. I've spent enough time at Parker Stadium (No. I will not call it Reeser Stadium. I have been known to call it "Potato Salad Bowl"; but I refuse to call it Reeser!); this chubby girl doesn't need to watch a live game. I much prefer to head to Beaver Nation with the fam; enjoy breakfast at my Mom's house and then drop off Mark & the kids at the field.

Where do I go?

I GO TO TK'S!

She hosts an annual Civil War Party that kicks ass! Tv's in every room, including the garage (because everyone needs to be able to watch the game while getting beer from the keg!); a table that is covered in food of every size, shape and color; and jello shots.

J-E-L-L-O SHOTS!

But I had to miss it all courtesy of my sacrum situation.

So there I was, in the throws of a really big pity party; wearing my I HATE YOUR DUCKS tee shirt; clapping and yelling at the tv all by myself today. I jarred my back yelling SUCK IT! and doing a fist pump after Quizz scored the first touchdown; I'd lost my voice by half time; and by the third quarter, after I screamed at Katz (OSU's quarterback): YOU ARE FIRED!, I texted Kristin and said: That's it. I'm done. Fkn Ducks and their stupid, fkn fairy feathers!!!!! KB's response: It's painful.

No shit. And I'd had enough.

(And, No. I will not say "OS". The OSU beavers play at Parker Stadium!)

So I came upstairs and decided I was going to tackle the Christmas tree......that has fallen over twice! It might be a perfect tree, but it refuses to stay perfectly erect! Marky put the lights on last night for me....a job I usually do myself......you know, on account of me being a control freak! But I couldn't reach above my head, so he did it. I thought for a fleeting moment about fixing all the spots that are driving me completely bat shit crazy!, but ultimately thought better of it. I have to learn to let people help me. Baby steps.

Baby steps straight to the liquor cabinet where I poured myself a stiff cocktail and downed it immediately! Now that I'm circling the tree and drinking my second cocktail, the fact that the lights aren't perfect is bothering me less. I can do this.

Music. That's what the Snarky Brunette needs! Get me in the mood. I chose a Christmas mix my sister gave me last year. I got through 1/4 of Sheryl Crow's rendition of There is a Star that Shines Tonight and said to Benelli: Hello? You failed to remind me I can't stand Sheryl! Benelli lifted her head from her doggie bed, rolled away from me and farted.

Exactly.

Flipping through my box of Christmas cds, I found it. The perfect cd for my perfect tree: Andrea~ Boccelli's My Christmas. Classic Christmas songs sung by an angel himself!

I've gone through the cd once and just re-started it. I did have to skip his duet with Reba McIntyre as the sound of her voice makes me throw up in my mouth. And while it is a tough call, I've decided that "Santa Claus is coming to Town" is my favorite song on the cd. It's bouncy and he's accompanied by a children's choir and this song alone brings a big, fat smile to my face!

My back still hurts; my Beav's still lost & I'm still wearing my I HATE YOUR DUCKS shirt; but my mood has improved remarkably! So much so that I'm off to pour my third cocktail, slather my lips in Zumba Kiss and pummel this Christmas business like the Beavs should have pummeled the Ducks.

And their fkn fairy feathers!

Squeeze Play

Guess who went to her dentist appointment this morning and threw out her back?

That'd be me.

Naturally, I take absolutely no responsibility for this debacle! I blame the hygienist; who had me tipped so far backwards in that goddamn chair, I was practically standing my head! I felt fine the entire time, until she began to raise the chair back. I got about half way up and felt the pressure building in my sacrum. This would be when I turned to Rebecca, my waif of a hygienist, and said: You're going to need at least three more of you to haul me out of this chair, Sister.

Perhaps I should have mentioned my recent back injury in July when Rebecca asked me if I'd recently suffered any physical ailments and/or injuries?

Yes? I should have?

Oh.

My bad.

I made it to work but the 20 minute ride in the car; followed by hauling my fat ass up three flights of stairs apparently did nothing to alleviate my sacrum situation. By the time I got to my desk and signed onto my computer, I was in tears from the pain. It literally takes your breath away.......and because I can't hold myself upright, I find myself holding my breath.......an apparent attempt to "puff myself up"-right.

I made it to noon and then called it quits. My 30 minute commute home was torture, what with the not breathing and all. At one point, a semi truck threw a HUGE rock into my windshield. The sound was unbelievably loud and not expecting it, I jumped in my seat....which jarred my back. Which made me start to cry......which left me yelling Goddamnit! aloud. Once home, I shuffled myself into the house much like Tim Conway's character "The Old Man" from the Carol Burnett Show.
(Seriously, one of the greatest television shows of all time.....Coo coo, pigeon!)

Thursdays are Mark's short days. He walked through the front door about 45 minutes after I shuffled in and found me on the couch. Sitting ramrod straight and icing my back.
(And swilling vodka whilst downing Advil.)

Mark: How's My Girl?
Me: Broken.
Mark: Whatcha doin?
Me: Becoming the poster child for alcohol and drug dependency.
Mark: I'll join you!
Me: Before you do, I called Soapy Paws and if you take Benelli right now, she can have her usual wash & blow dry......... (insert me clasping my hands in front of my face whilst giving Mark the doe-eyed look)

Without batting an eyelash, Mark says "C'mon Bitch", to which Benelli JUMPS up from the floor and heads for the door.

Upon his return and after Mark settles in next to me, I broach the subject of Perhaps you'd like to go pick out a Christmas tree before you pick up the kids since I just happened to have found what looks like a really nice, local tree farm not 5 miles from us.....?

After some minor discussion as to the pros and cons of this idea; directions to the tree farm; and me taking an oath that I would not be pissed if he picks out a tree I end up hating; Mark sets off to find the perfect Xmas tree.

And comes back 10 minutes later without said tree but with our kids. Whom he decided should help in the tree picking process (thus spreading out the blame should they all fail in picking out a Christmas tree!). Insert kids changing clothes and shoes and promises of finding the best tree ever!

I retire to the bedroom with my cocktail where it takes me 10 minutes to get on the bed and into a comfortable position. I have no idea where the remote is and there is no fkn way I'm going to move in order to find it, so I proceed to stare at the wall.

And feel sorry for myself.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I remember the room was dark and I can hear my kids stomping up the stairs screaming: WE FOUND IT! WE FOUND THE PERFECT TREE!!!!
I'm told to "wait until Daddy gets it in the stand, and then come down to see." Considering it took me 10 minutes to get IN the bed, I'm confident it will take twice as long to get OUT of it, so against my children's orders I begin my struggle to stand upright.

When I get the signal from my Monsters, I make my way down the stairs where I come face to face with the prettiest Noble tree, ever. It's exactly how I like them: not symmetrical, but thinner at the top and gradually becoming thicker at the bottom. Sturdy branches to hold my heavy ornaments, with clearly tiered spacing throughout the tree. It was, indeed, perfect.

Somewhere in the middle of me admiring the tree and the kids carrying in my many, many boxes of Christmas decorations, their Dad slipped out to run another errand for me. Only this time, his errand wasn't my idea. Or suggestion.

Marky came home with a Frank Sinatra Christmas cd & a half gallon of Rum. Said he was pretty sure His Girl could use a little of both.

So here I am......on my second round of Advil; sitting ramrod straight while icing my back; with Frank singing to me whilst I swill Hot Butter Rum and stare at my perfect tree.

And here's what I know:

The fact that I am one big control freak-pain in the ass most of time is not lost on me. Thankfully, I've got a husband who can appreciate my need to organize, delegate and plan......even when I'm on the injured reserve list.

The fact that I've managed to injure myself while sitting......(twice now!), just adds insult to my injury. But look at how productive the day turned out to be!

My Sister gave me major props for relinquishing my need to control everything and handing over the Christmas tree task. It's amazing the rewards one can reap when you aren't squeezing the life out of......well.......Life.

Peppermint This.

What's one of my most favorite-est things, ever?

Peppermint.

I love the smell. And the taste.

I love peppermint shampoo.
(It makes your scalp all tingly.......refreshing!)

I love peppermint tea.
(Tea. I know, right?!)

I love peppermint ice cream.
(I must be monitored when eating it because I will eat the whole carton.)
(Seriously.)
(I'm so not kidding.....)

I love peppermint. But other than those swirly, hard candies- peppermint isn't easy to find.

What's one of the things I H-A-T-E the most?

Christmas decorations visually displayed anywhere prior to November 26th.

HATE it.

I was walking through J.C. Penney's the last week of October and they had already hung their Christmas swags & garlands from the rafters.

WTF?

If you will, please picture The Snarky Brunette, dressed to the nines as she's just come from work; clomp! clomp! clomping! through the store; on a mission to find orange tights for her daughter's Halloween costume, when she rounds the corner and comes face to face with (stupid) Sales People hanging CHRISTMAS RIFF RAFF!

It literally stopped me in my clomping tracks! Dumbfounded, I stood in the middle of the designated walk way, mouth agape, staring at the CHRISTMAS RIFF RAFF! I didn't snap out of it until the Sales People sang out to me: Can you believe it? It's that time again!

What I wanted to say (read: SCREAM!) was: If by "time again" you mean HALLOWEEN, then you folks are clearly needing some help with your seasonal decorations!

What I did was simply walk away.

While muttering to myself: Who I got to kill to make Christmas go away?!

Now, I'm seeing Christmas everywhere! Decorated trees are in window displays. Target had an end cap of ORNAMENTS in their card section. My co-worker was playing Christmas music in the office YESTERDAY.

(I may or may not have snapped and demanded that she TURN THAT SHIT OFF!)

Tonight, as the Monsters and I were hustling through Fred Meyer (Hannie, you grab the pizza....Mommy needs some Diet Tonic and a lime!), I walked past an end cap and abruptly stopped. And then backed up.....because The Snarky Brunette spied PEPPERMINT LIP BALM!

On the top shelf, next to the PEPPERMINT soy candle and PEPPERMINT Goat's Milk soap; there it was: as big as a glue stick! The red & white swirled packaging caught my keen eye; the yummified scent, so potent I could smell it before I actually picked up the balm.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

I may or may not have completely lost my mind in all things peppermint. I may or may not have impulsively purchased $12 worth of peppermint goodies, including the over-sized lip balm (which I'm wearing right now! Totally makes my lips all glossy!): Zumba Kiss.

And in my peppermint induced high, I may or may not be willing to concede that Christmas ain't all that bad. I mean really, it is the only holiday that guarantees I will have peppermint whatever at my disposal and for my every whim. That makes me happy. So I've decided me and my Zumba Kiss are going to meet Christmas head on..... and in the end, all the lame ass decorations & elevator inspired Muzak we are going to be subjected to over the next 2 1/2 months can SUCK IT!

That's not to say I won't bitch and piss and moan about being subjected to it, though.............that's what I do.

And you guys should totally know that by now!

Trick or Prophylactic?

So me & my stiff Salty Dog logged on tonight, feeling like we wanted to write........

But we just sat here and stared at the blank page for what seemed like forever........

The blinking cursor totally mocking us & our un-inspired state.

Shit.

With my creative sap not flowing, I clicked over to my homepage to see if perhaps some world and local news might do the trick.

B-I-N-G-O!

Seems a couple in Silverton, OREGON handed out condoms to kids on Halloween.

And the parent of one teenager was both "offended" and found it "inappropriate to give them without the parents' consent."

Hmmmmmm.....where to begin?

A good place to start would be for me to stop laughing my ass off!
(Said ass is really quite large these days, so this could take awhile.......)

Really? "Offended"? If the parents answered their door in black face; that's something to be offended about. If the parents handed out religious materials, whether it was anti or pro; that's something to be offended about. But a condom? To a 14 year old? Get over yourself, Parent. You live in a town that continues to elect a transvestite as its Mayor.

(Something which, for the record, I totally applaud. Said cross dressing Mayor, however, needs a complete fashion make-over. I'm just sayin'......)

The argument regarding how appropriate it was to pass out condoms....... I will concede: Parent, you've got me there. But not because I find it inappropriate. It's because these parents are simply setting themselves up for ridicule, lots 'o judgments to be passed aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, in this day and age of "sue-happy" individuals- the potential for a lawsuit.

And if they lived in Linn County, I am sure, the potential for criminal charges!

These parents simply suffer from poor judgment. There intent was good, in theory. Promote safe sex and the health and well being of young people, and at the same time educate. Their platform, however, was completely misguided.......you know...... since the majority of the teenagers landing on their doorstep are clearly misguided as well SINCE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU STOP TRICK OR TREATING WHEN YOU'RE TWELVE!

And that's not the kids fault- that's poor parenting.

And here's how we come full circle: you've got a 14 year old trick or treating, who gets a condom as a "treat" and HER parent is offended.

Seriously? I'm more offended at the parent who allows their 14 year old to Trick or Treat than I am offended at the Condom Giving, Halloween Celebrating, Thinking I'm Gonna Educate parent!

FFS. Offended Parent needs to count his blessings that his kid escaped Condom Giving's "normal practice." See........ Condom Giving parent freely admits giving the 14 year old a condom "was a mistake". Her "usual practice is to ask teens if they're 16 years or older and to give them a speech on safe sex."

Hmmmmmmm........ lemme see? Free condom that any parent can confiscate and ultimately use for themselves OR having to explain to your kid what was sure to be a completely condescending and whacked out personal philosophy on safe sex from a stranger.......?

I hate stupid people.